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12/08/2005

Poo-based coffee: An epic tale of fun, faggotry, and feces

by Jeremy Hooper

Regarding their picketing of the Supreme Court this Tuesday, the "fag"-hating folks at Westboro Baptist have written a recollection of the day, which they've titled:

Picture 9-7

So you're probably thinking, "hmm, what the Hell is a Feca-cino? It sounds like it could be a Starbucks drink, but then it again, it also sounds a little like poop. Is it coffee, or does it have to do with waste matter? Hmm...color me stumped."
But then you notice that there's a little "1" there, which would seem to indicate that they've handily provided a footnote to inform the reader as to what exactly this odd term is referring. "Eureka!" you say, as the seconds you've spent pondering the etymology of the term can now come to an end; a footnote will set you free.

You waste not a moment more and scroll down to the bottom of the PDF, where another lovely "1" serves as a clarifying beacon ready to put your stumped mind at ease. You read:

Picture 10-6

"Holy caffeinated caca, it's both doo-doo and java!" you exclaim. But wait a minute, you think to yourself -- "I'm a fag, and yet nary a Feca-ccino have I consumed. What the cup of Joe's excrement gives? Am I doing this 'fag' thing all wrong? Why has my local barista never noticed my homosexuality and offered me this elusive nectar of the queers? Am I not gay enough? WHERE'S MY POO-POO DRINK?"

You begin to weep. You've tried so hard to be an expert in all things homo, but since you've never found yourself "pining for a Feca-ccino," you must have failed. You're not a failure, and the revelation that you've been deprived of this elusive diarreha-based beverage rocks you to the core.

Then just as easily as it arrived, this crippling mental thunderstorm stops, filling your mind with an overwhelming sense of inner-peace. "Hold on a sec, me," you say to you. "These people are batsh*t insane. Like here's nuts - "NUTS"...............................................................and here's them....................................................................."THEM." They picket funerals, they wish God to kill, they say really mean things -- just out there, they are."

It is only then that you realize that if their opinions and views on just about everything run contrary to your own, then they must know NOTHING about the "shitty coffee" consumption of homosexuals. They are not to be believed. How could you have been so foolish?

You grab your knapsack and head off into the midst, for you have a thirst that only a nice big Urine Latte can cure. Mmm, piss.

Prophets of the Most High God Square off with the High Court, and the Fags Pine for a Feca-ccino [Westboro PDF, uploaded to our own server]

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