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01/26/2006

Collegiate gay claims gayness led to early summer vacation

by Jeremy Hooper

A former student of Arkansas's John Brown University, Michael Guinn, claims he was ousted from the Christian school last month after administrators learned he was of the homo persuasion, a tidbit to which they were made privy via an anonymous email linking to his online journal. Upon the discovery of his gayness, Guinn -- who, it should be noted, says he is celibate -- contends that in addition to the University's regular code of conduct, he was also told:

not to dress in women’s clothing; if he participated in sports he could not slap other players on the rear end; he could not hug or shake hands with other men for too long; he could not “broadcast” his lifestyle; he could not tell other students he was gay until he got to know them well.

Can you just imagine the meeting that was held to come up with these new directives? We think it would've gone something like this:

DEAN: Okay, so as some of you know, I've called this meeting because we apparently have been infiltrated by one of the gays. This of course means that we must come up with some new rules to ensure that the homo among us doesn't spread the seed of sodomy to other impressionable students. Hit me with ideas, folks.
JOE: Well they like to put on dresses, I know that much. It's like some sort of a fetish or something.
DEAN: Oh, that's good. NO DRESSES. Okay, what else?
SUSAN: Well, what about use of the words 'fabulous' and 'fierce?' I was flipping through the channels and saw a bit of 'Queer Guy for the Straight Something or Other,' and the men on their kept saying both of those words over and over again.
DEAN: Hmm, maybe. But how would we enforce it? Would it only be if those words were said with a bit of a lisp or would it be for everyone? I mean, I say fierce sometime, and I surely am not a homosexual. We'll pencil that one in, but let's see what else we can come up with. Other ideas? Sandy?
SANDY: Well, I know that some of our athletes like to pat each others rear ends, you know, just to say, "good game, my heterosexual friend." But what if this gay student wanted to play sports..
DEAN: Ooh, no sports for gays. That's...
SANDY: ...no, no, we'd never get away with that. But what if we made it so that he wasn't allowed to participate in the post-game celebratory buttocks patting? I mean, if he were to be involved in said glutes slapping, how would our straight athletes know that he wasn't just trying to push his lifestyle on them?
DEAN: Good point, Sandster. Okay, so no slapping others on the rear end. People, we're ON FIRE. Steve, what say you?
STEVE: Four words -- NO QUOTING 'STEEL MAGNOLIAS.'
DEAN: OOH, they did love that movie, didn't they? But is that more of 'our generation gay?' Maybe it should be 'no quoting any movie that stars a primarily female cast. Hmm, maybe it...
STEVE: ...okay, so I'm wrong. Let's just move on. I mean..
DEAN: ...Steve, no, don't be like that; it's a good idea. But for now, let's just think more along the lines of him specifically broadcasting his lifestyle.
(all look around as if they've just discovered gold)
ALL: NO BROADCASTING HIS LIFESTYLE!
(all slap hands and do a happy dance)
DEAN: People -- We. Are. Geniuses.

And scene.

Despite the way he was treated, Guinn does indicate that he hopes to keep working in the University Student Center's cafe. However, if he is allowed to keep the job, we hear rumors that a new policy will be instituted to prevent him from placing hot dog wieners in buns. Whatever that means.

Stand strong, collegiate friend.

Gay student says college expelled him over conduct [Siloam Springs Herald-Leader]

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