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02/09/2006

Bothered by pesky heterosexuality? Wish you could be a gay? Three words: 'Governor's School Seminar'

by Jeremy Hooper

A North Carolina couple is blaming a homosexual-themed seminar that was offered at the Governor's School of North Carolina -- a summer program for gifted high school students -- for causing their son to question his sexual orientation. And what better way to do this finger pointing than in the national media. From Agape Press:

[The father] says he noticed a big difference in his otherwise normal son upon his return from the school.

"He [said he] was thinking now that he perhaps was gay -- and of course I was floored by this [pronouncement] and was, like, 'where did this come from?' This kind of came out of left field," the dad says. After questioning his son for an extended period, Burrows says he discovered the source. "I found out that this was as a result of this seminar."

Which is totally the way it works -- we go through life thinking only of opposite sex relations and how we can't wait to grow up and be the heteroest heterosexual to ever hetero-sex. We struggle not with our inner feelings, as our hormones want nothing more than the love that dare to speak its name anywhere it wants. Our lives are a virtual "straight pride parade," and we the grand marshall. "We're Straight, That's Great -- We're Glad You're Used to It," our inner monologue constantly chants as we patiently await the day our lives are rendered complete via offspring. We spend our sleepless nights planning our 18th birthday parties, when we can finally get that "Heterosexuality Rules" tattoo that we've been designing since kindergarten. Yes, the world is a realm of non-confusion, and we couldn't be happier to take a heterosexual bite out of its ample bosom.

And then it happens. One day we find ourselves in the company of folks who are....different.

"Wait, wait, wait -- you're not heterosexual?" we ask. "You're g..g..g..g..g.ga..ga..ga..GAY?"

As soon as our mouth articulates the word for the first time in our lives, we feel something release from deep inside our beings. At first we think it's a fart, though the lack of odor, noise, or recent consumption of bean burrito makes the flatulence option an unlikely one. We run to a mirror to make sure we're still ourselves and have not been somehow warped into the body of another, a la "Quantum Leap."

"Nope," we say to ourselves, "there's my face. God I'm GORGEOUS. But maybe I should cut my bangs -- I think it would really make my eyes POP."

It takes us a second to ponder what we've just verbalized. We've never noticed our bangs before! Why now? What gives? "What time is Designing Women on -- "their campy presentation of Southern life is SO DELICIOUS!" AAAHHHH!!!

Our mind and body have become foreign. We rush over to the first opposite sex being we can find and start humping their leg, though all we can notice is that their tired shoe is SO LAST SEASON. We jump to our feet and dramatically throw our hands up to faggily cover our mouths. "EUREKA," we say, "we have just been made a gay." Our morally-sanct ears have been pierced by their agenda and now there's no turning back. "Goodbye heterosexuality," we vamp, "your man-woman coitus now makes us want to wretch." Like a zombie preying on the brain of unsuspecting townsfolk, the gays have lobotomized our heterosexual cortex.

We are 'mos.

The NC couple say they are publicly speaking out in order to warn other parents of the "homosexual indoctrinion" that occurs at Governor's School. We say we are mocking the couple's decision in order to warn them that their non-acceptance is only gonna make things much, much worse for all involved.

Dad Says His Son 'Damaged' by Homosexual Indoctrination at State-Sponsored Program [Agape]

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