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03/30/2006

War is hell: AZ 'Marriage protection' mission seemingly headed towards defeat

by Jeremy Hooper

  Those in Arizona who are trying to place a gay marriage-banning amendment on the November ballot are indicating that their signature drive is not going as well as planned. This is of course because they are working under the deceitfully fear-mongering moniker "Protect Arizona Marriage," so nobody knows what the f*** they are talking about. They're all far too busy running home and building bomb shelters around their marriage certificates and wedding videos.

"Hide the kids, lawfully wedded wife -- they're coming for our wedlock, but I'll fight 'em till death do us part. For our Arizona marriage needs protection, my dearly beloved, and I have not yet begun to fight. If they want my band of gold, they're gonna have to pry it from my cold hands. I now pronounce me man and angry -- they may kiss my ass.

Oh, and If you could hum 'When Johnny Comes Marching Home' while I get in my camoflauge tux, that
would great. Thanks, person I love in sickness and in health."

The John Hancock (teehee -- Han) gatherers need 183,917 sigs by July 6 in order to qualify for the ballot. If they're unsuccessful, expect unnamed insurgents to start ripping the guitar strings and stealing the sheet music of local wedding bands; burning bride/groom cake toppers in effigy; and attending various weddings, where they'll answer the "Does anyone object?" question with a resounding "yes!"

Backers cite trouble getting signatures [AP via KOLD News 13]

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