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11/13/2006

As if he's some sort of a Victorian home in need of a facelift, religious leaders to try and 'restore' Haggard

by Jeremy Hooper

 Good As You Images Ted Haggard (Roae)In order to "save" his sodomite soul from eternal damnation, a team of religious figures will guide disgraced Evangelical leader Ted Haggard through a "rehabilitation process," the likes of which could last three to five years. The course load for the intense "restoration" session is said to be:

YEAR 1

-Basic Shaming
-Cherry-Picked Biblical Interpretation 101
-P.E.
-Self-Hate
-Science (cancelled due to lack of interest)

YEAR 2

-Intermediate Shaming
-Convincing Folks That The Few Biblical Passages Used to Condemn Gays Are Actually Talking About Homosexual Couples As We Know Them Today, And Not Pagan Ritualistic Cult Sex, As Much Evidence Would Suggest
-Being on the Decent Side of Civil Rights Battles (cancelled due to lack of interest)

YEAR 3

-Advanced Placement Shaming
-Ignoring Homosexuality Throughout the Animal Kingdom
-Why Calling Our Movement "Pro-Family/Pro-Life/Pro-Marriage is More Advantageous Than Anti-Gay/Anti-Choice/Anti-Equality
-Exploring Other Viewpoints with an Open Mind (cancelled due to lack of interest)

YEAR 4

-Shaming So Great That It Will Not Only Confine His True Sexuality To Secret, Extra-Marital, Paid Situations, But Rather Limit His Truth To Unexplored Desires Confined Inside His Own Head
-Why Our Personal Religious Beliefs Should Be Foisted On All
-
Why Separation of Church & State Is Good For Society (cancelled due to lack of interest)

YEAR 5

-Advanced Cherry-Picked Biblical Interpretation 101
-Shaming Refresher Course

-Theories Not Convenient to The Religious Right's Political Cause (cancelled due to lack of interest)

Classy.

We hear the religious leaders have high hopes that this multi-year program will do the trick. Which is ironic, as "doing the trick" while "high" would seem to be why Rev. Haggard found himself in the program to begin with.

Spiritual 'restoration' takes time -- Tarnished evangelical leader faces long, grueling rehabilitation process [AP via IndyStar.com]

 Good As You Images Picture-11-14 1**Interestingly, Focus on the Family head James Dobson (pic.) dropped out of this "restor-a-Haggard-a-thon" after initially agreeing to participate, citing a lack of time as reason for his back down. Fitting, as "all the time in the world" would not be enough to turn a truly gay man straight.

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