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11/27/2006

Pastor calls Wal-Mart 'an enemy of God,' prompting Satan to apply for greeter position

by Jeremy Hooper

Picture 1-40Claiming that "Wal-Mart has succumbed to the demands of the radical homosexual agenda and the abortion industry," Rev. Flip Benham of Operation Save America (pic.) says of the protests that he and a scant number of fellow Christians conducted outside the retail giant on "Black Friday":

The Church came “out of the closet” to attempt to save an old friend. Wal-Mart, a store built upon biblical principles and under the tutelage of Sam Walton, has become an enemy of God.

A statement to which God was heard to respond:

Uhm..okay..where to begin. Okay, well I know you humans -- who, I must note, use only about 10% of your brains --THINK you have the capacity to understand me, but it constantly blows my mind that those who claim to so staunchly believe I'm responsible for the totality of existence actually think I have enemies as specific as a retail chain with which they don't agree. PEOPLE -- you put stock in me as being the dude responsible for your every breath, thought, & experience. Do you really think I define my friends and enemies as on a level as narrow as one Bentonville, Arkansas, based retailer? It's not like Heavenly High School up here! I don't act and react like I'm a 'Laguna Beach' cast member, saying things like, 'Well, one group has perceived Wal-Mart's social policies to be too inclusive of a group that the first group so boldly thinks I detest, so I'm gonna stop being friends with that fugly company because some of my followers think I should.' Gawd ya'll -- I'm God!

While it may seem to some of you humans that Wal-Mart is sizeable enough to take up a large chunk in the scope of my universal view or to have its own column in my "Who's naughty/who's nice" list, in my realm, Wal-Mart is like a tiny little Mom & Pop store. Place opposite my home Hell, I have people killing each other, greed, mean-spiritedness, and all sorts of actual malfeasance of which to keep track. Those of you who think because you scream a little louder and more heatedly really need to stop trying to be my spokespeople and declaring wars for me!

Besides, how could I ever hate a place where I can get shaving cream, tires, fabric swatches, a Cher CD, tube socks, Twinkies, Twister, batteries, the new James Patterson novel, and a George Foreman grill all under the same roof? After all, even us
concepts that are so supreme the human mind could not possibly understand them like one-stop shopping!

Wal-Mart Gets a Call to Repentance on 'Black Friday' [Christian News Wire]

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