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Condemn me once -- shame on you; condemn me twice -- still shame on you

by Jeremy Hooper

The following is posted today over on the website of the Americans For Truth organization:
Recently we came across the following question posed to “Ask the Therapist” at the pro-homosexuality “health and wellness” website, GayHealth.com (created by “gay” doctor Stephen Goldstone):

Q) I’m attracted to other men and am always a top. I don’t ever bottom with anyone. The problem is that when I’m in a relationship I tend to feel awkward and after sex, even disgusted and I want to get up and leave. I’m not a one night stand kind of guy, however. I want to hold someone close and not distance myself and feel suffocated. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not supposed to even be with guys. What’s my problem?

Glen A. Heiss, PhD, gave the following advice:

A) I don’t know whether you are “supposed” to be with guys or not, but to ask the question that way implies that there is a right answer to the question, “Who do you find attractive?”

The fact is, we are attracted to whomever we happen to be attracted to. When we’ve internalized messages that tell us those attractions are somehow wrong or bad, it is very difficult to get close to without becoming uncomfortable.

From what you write, you can enjoy sex with another man, but other kinds of closeness with a man are uncomfortable. The “awkward/suffocated/disgusted” feelings you experience most likely stem from your own mixed feelings about being in a relationship with another man. If those feelings are especially strong after you have sex, they are probably being caused by shame you feel about the sex you‘ve just had. And if you are invested in keeping this part of your life a secret, that’s going to make it more difficult to try to integrate your sexual feelings for someone into a more complete relationship with him.

If you want to do something about this, I would recommend that you try to talk with the guys you are dating BEFORE you have sex about the unpleasant feelings you tend to have afterwards. That may reduce some of the worry or dread that you may have about what will happen after you reach orgasm.

You are likely to find that the men you are dating have struggled with this same issue in their own ways. They may be able to offer help about how they have worked to resolve such difficulties, allowing you to develop some of the closeness you say you want even as you talk about how that closeness can be difficult at times.

We can agree with exactly two sentences of Heiss’ response: “The ‘awkward/suffocated/disgusted’ feelings you experience most likely stem from your own mixed feelings about being in a relationship with another man. If those feelings are especially strong after you have sex, they are probably being caused by shame you feel about the sex you‘ve just had.”

Shame is the correct response of a sinful man’s conscience toward God. Being “proud” about homosexual behavior offends the Creator while being contrite about any sin — sexual or otherwise – draws us closer to Him. (For more on the Bible and homosexuality, see Professor Rob Gagno’s website.) In that sense, this writer’s shame is a good thing and something that all (religious) homosexual advocates could use more of as they strive, with futility, to “please” God even as they rebel against His wonderful created order. –
Peter LaBarbera

Okay, first off -- this Q&A is posted under the "Ask The Doctor" section, not "Ask the Therapist." Second, it was posted on Aug. 4, 2006. And in fact, you can't even find it on the site in a convenient method; you have to search for the matching text. So if Mr. LaBarbera just "recently came across" this piece, he's both late to the party and far more familiar with the nuances of GayHealth.com than this queer writer.

Superfluous details aside -- shame on YOU, Mr. LaBarbera! It is very true that many gay folks experience some sort of shame at some time in their lives. But this shame is not due to a disconnection with God, but rather a disconnection with self-acceptance. A disconnect supported and propagated by Mr. LaBarbera's daily work condemning anyone who so much as farts in a gay-positive manner! It is easy for folks like him to paint gays as detached from God and the shame they might feel as due to a guilty conscience, as both concepts make his anti-gay endeavors seem noble. However, it is not a detachment from religion, but rather the false proclamations from folks like himself that have kept gays from knowing the self-love that so many heterosexual individuals take for granted. It is the truly shameful concept at play here!

It's simply enraging that even our staunchest opponents deem it completely acceptable to hijack morality and God to make both looks as if they are concepts foreign to anyone who follows their homosexual truth. Even though we unapologetically lash out against them using their own religious interpretation to stem the tide of gay acceptance, we never would be so bold as to deny them of their connection with a holy spirit! Who has the power, right, or desire to do that?! Oh yea -- those who oppose us!

If Mr. LaBarbera and his allies truly loved gay folks the way they claim, they would stop fueling the sort of non-accepting environment where living as one's true self is even an "issue." They would cull their knowledge of the world from sources other than the very debatable condemnations found in Leviticus and Romans I. They would stop trying to polarize and hurt, but rather to unify and truly love. After all, maybe it's not us pesky gays who are pissing off the man upstairs. Maybe he thinks it's just a "shame" that we silly humans cannot see the beauty in the whole creation!

“Internalized Homophobia” — or God-Instilled Conscience? [AFT]

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Your thoughts


Quite a good read... not specifically about the bible in relation to homosexuality - but more generally about how all the intolerance from the bible stems from Paul, and not Jesus...

These guys who preach intolerance in Jesus' name are the ones who should be ashamed... No matter his parentage, Jesus was a good bloke.

Posted by: El | Feb 16, 2007 5:47:09 PM

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