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08/06/2007

Wherein we blame the surname for the stone casting

by Jeremy Hooper

What could possibly be up with the surname "Phelps"? What about it leads so many of its possessors to embrace the rabidly anti-gay lifestyle?

We ask you this because (a) "Phelps" is of course the last name of the "fag-hating" clan from Westboro Baptist Church, and (b) this is a letter to the editor that we just discovered on the website of Elmira, New York's Star-Gazette newspaper:

Picture 1-96

Seriously -- does a life lived with a "ph" that sounds like an "f" lead to such pain that you decide to take it all out on gay people? Does the phonetic cousin of "hell" that exists within the interior of that name drive those who possess it to condemn others to the fiery region? Do kids tease the name so that it sounds like "Pee helps," which leads to significant childhood trauma and an adult life of gay detestation? What is it about this name!?!?!?!

Well, wanting to get to the bottom of this, we turned to an online search of the etymology of last names. There we found that this particular name is a derivative of the surname Philips. And Philips, in its Greek origins, means "a lover of horses." So using our own rational analysis and irrefutably reasoned minds, we have determined that Phelps, being a sort of by-product of Philips, must itself be "a lover of horses" by-product. So friends, we can now revel to you our completely though-out and lucid findings: The name Phelps seems to mean "a lover of horse sh*t."

It all makes sense now.

Bible offers clear direction on gay lifestyle [Star-Gazette]

**Editors note: We have many wonderful, gay-loving friends with the last name "Phelps." After all, anyone can overcome their birthright.

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