Attention troops: Brigadier General Pam Spaulding has alerted us that there has been a critical security breach in the Gay Armed Forces. It seems someone has leaked our secret schematic for "normalizing same-sex relationships" to the folks at the rabidly anti-gay Alliance Defense Fund:
Though we shouldn't worry too much, troops. For all the ADF has found is the complex battle plan that we have put in place to throw our opponents off our trail. They still haven't found the simple, easy-to-understand strategy that truly guides our every move:
Shhh! Don't tell anyone.
**UPDATE: It now seems that the boys at BoxTurtleBulletin have found the flow chart for the Heterosexual Agenda.
Yours is good!... I like this one too:
But Lev R added this to the above...must share Lev.
I had no idea we were so powerful! 150+ organizations? Why, we're a veritable juggernaut--I assume our triumph is just around the corner. I'll set my stop watch.
But I am upset that the Agenda does not include some of the things we know are really at the heart of our lives:
Being a gym bunny
Poppers for everyone
Getting straight men to look gay (that is: kempt)
Making women drink poofy beverages like Cosmos
Asparagus in Bloody Mary's ("Yeah, baby, you like that big spear, uh-huh, suck it--")
Big dogs for women, small ones for men
further comments clarified: Celery is stiffer than asparagus
needing to add:
Making womens softball mandatory
All women must have at least one cat.
(But remember cats don't have owners. They have unpaid staff.)
Take it from there folks.
Posted by: LOrion | May 23, 2008 11:51:18 AM
I always knew that we were evil and diabolical in seeking to fulfill our agenda, but a flowchart? I mean, holy crap, now we're proactive business managers thinking outside of the box in whole new paradigms.
I'd like to dialogue with someone about exciting and expressive new ways to engage this promising relationship potential, if anyone's free.
Posted by: zortnac | May 23, 2008 11:53:54 AM
This can't be our secret plan. Yeah many, though certainly not all, of the stated goals are right, but the coloring scheme just isn't fabulous enough!
Posted by: John | May 23, 2008 12:11:35 PM
I am happy to see our movement has presented a ROBUST business plan.
("Robust" is my personal least favorite business buzzword of this decade. It is up there with "walk the talk" from the 1990's.)
Posted by: rjp3 | May 23, 2008 12:16:33 PM
How many times - I'm not a double agent! I just happened to be copying the flowcharts at Secret gay Headquarters. When billy the post boy (He spends far too much time with the girls from the transport department, if you know what I mean ;) ) came in and borrowed a pen, and I lost the master copy. Pity, the copies were done so much better, the photocopier makes everything copy in rainbow colours....
I've never seen one of these, seriously, did the bisexuals not get a copy? I know, I know, we give things to straight people, but we also give things to gay people...
Posted by: Corvidae | May 23, 2008 1:21:46 PM
How did this strategy get out? I keep my copy sandwiched between the Education of Little Tree and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion on my Modest Proposal bookshelf.
Posted by: johnozed | May 23, 2008 1:39:01 PM
OH! Please, please, please!!! Can I be in charge of the "Stigmatize Opponents" group?
Posted by: Dick Mills | May 23, 2008 9:32:29 PMcomments powered by Disqus