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06/20/2008

Oh, and Jesus might attend too. Please buy a ticket.

by Jeremy Hooper

So what if we told you that we are going to host an event, and at said event, there's a possibility that Jon Stewart, Rosie O'Donnell, Barack Obama, Chelsea Clinton, and the reincarnation of Harvey Milk will be in attendance. That might pique your interest, right? And it might prompt you to fork over some cash for our soiree, yes?

But what if the only basis we had for telling you that these people might be in attendance is that we had sent them an invite? Would that change your opinion just a bit? And would you consider us a little disingenuous for implying that the aforementioned people were going to show up, when reasonable expectations tell us otherwise? Probably, right?

Well, that is exactly what the anti-gay Family Research Council is doing in the promotional materials for their annual Values Voters Summit. In order to drum up sales, the group is running a promo page of pics featuring 24 named speakers. Only problem? Only 10 of these names -- ones that mostly make up the lesser-known, more conservative contingent -- have actually confirmed that they'll be in attendance:

Picture 4-145

Barack Obama? Lou Dobbs? Patricia Heaton? Hillary Clinton? HILLARY CLINTON?! Hell, at last year's Values Voters Summit, the term "Hillary Clinton" was essentially code word for Satanic! Neither Hillary, nor Barack, nor any speaker who cares about distancing themselves from the far-right fringe are going to get within fifty feet of this discriminatory event! We can't imagine even Patty Heaton, a self-professed conservative, has any attention of showing up. Because the Values Voters Summit is not a mere mainstream Republican gala. Instead, it is an event so heatedly biased, that after monitoring last year's event, we seriously had to go have gay intercourse in a Prius parked outside of the United Nations with a bumper sticker encouraging gun control, just so we could wash away the gay and liberal bashing!

If this writer learned anything from the time he invited the Bangles to play his third grade birthday party, it's that most of my friends found it odd that i was obsessed with an all-girl band in the first place one should never confuse a shot in the dark with a probable booking. And just like I was once deprived of a live performance of "Walk Like an Egyptian," FRC is surely going to be deprived of Hillary Clinton "Walking Like an Right Wing Evangelical Christian." They need to stop acting otherwise.

Values Voters Promotion [FRC Action]

**In the oddest of coincidences, we just realized that one of the Bangles band members was named Michael Steele (a female bassist). Look at the last of the above pics for why this is an odd coincidence.

**UPDATE, 6/30: Barack and Hillary have now been removed from the list of possibilities.

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Your thoughts

I would actually believe the guests you listed might show up to your soiree but Hillary and Barack to the VV summit...HA!

Posted by: Daimeon | Jun 20, 2008 11:23:50 AM

OOh, I hope, Daimeon. Chelsea is actually near the top of my "we should be BFF" list.

Posted by: G-A-Y | Jun 20, 2008 11:31:43 AM

They sound like this guy:

"He's a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

"He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?"

When it comes to gays, apparently not.


Posted by: Bill Ware | Jun 20, 2008 11:40:52 AM

"Instead, it is an event so heatedly biased, that after monitoring last year's event, we seriously had to go have gay intercourse in a Prius parked outside of the United Nations with a bumper sticker encouraging gun control, just so we could wash away the gay and liberal bashing!"

This is the funniest line I've seen all day - Thank You!!

Posted by: marc | Jun 20, 2008 3:17:27 PM

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