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06/27/2008

Viva La Queer Revolución

by Jeremy Hooper

200806271030-1Are you in NYC this weekend, and desperately looking for a new, fresh way to celebrate Pride? Are you tired of the parade, pier dance, and other revelry that greets the last Sunday in June? Well don't fret, ennui-stricken gays. For we have created an exclusive itinerary for "NYC PRIDE: THE REVOLUTION." Check it out:

7:30 AM: Wake up and give your partner, trick, or blow-up doll a smooch. If you don't have a special schnookums, you must find one within the next half hour. Pride Revolution Day needs to be shared with another same-sex-oriented person, be they temporal, life-lasting, or inflatable.

8:00 AM: Begin the day with a lovely breakfast. You're gay, so the feast will and should be a resplendent production. But since it's Pride Revolution Day, taste should not be sacrificed out of waistline fears.
*Bonus points if the fatty A.M. nosh is held as a Central Park picnic well within joggers' sight lines

9:30 AM: Head to a sidewalk newsstand. Ask if they sell The Advocate, Out, and Xtra Inches. After hopefully receiving confirmation, eschew all three and instead purchase the gayest magazine of all time: Martha Stewart Living. Read it openly and proudly.

10:00 AM: Stand on a street corner and do some campaigning for the presidential candidate who will best serve gay rights. We're not going to tell you who that is, exactly. Though we should tell you that on Pride Revolution Day, any word combo that rhymes with "Don smack pain" is disallowed.

11:25: Venture over to a local NY Blood Center. Since gay men are banned from giving blood, peacefully protest this shortsightedness by delighting the workers with the pleasure of your company and your flare for conversation. Suggested line of questioning: "Does your employer also make you wear vintage clothes, or is the gay ban the only portion of your job in which you're required to act like it's still 1983?"

Noon: Since you had a big breakfast, use lunchtime to instead suck on a big fat juicy one. At Gus's Pickles (85 Orchard St.), natch. Then once you've swallowed (or spit, depending on your pref.), walk uptown on the avenue either one block west or one block east of the parade route. Stop and correct any pedestrians who bemoan the "damn queers" that are clogging up Fifth avenue.
**For lesbians: Instead of sucking a fattie, you can go dine at the Y (YMCA West Side Hotel, 5 West 63rd Street)

1:30 PM: Head up to the Metropolitan Museum of Art (1000 Fifth Avenue), where you will appoint yourself docent of the "Oh, did you know a gay painted that?" tour. Tourists will surely be in awe of just how much beauty we queer have brought to the world.

3:00 PM: Regardless of your engagement status, go and register for wedding gifts. Because you can.
*Bonus points if you avoid the typical commercial gay meccas and instead hit up somewhere like Home Depot.

4:10 PM: Walk, or even skip, through at least five blocks of Times Square terrain holding hands with your companion. Culminate at the Toys R Us ferris wheel (1514 Broadway), which you and your companion will happily ride. Visiting conservatives will surely have their minds blown when they realize that a gay couple can truly share space with "traditional" families and children without any destruction, corruption, or "perversion" transpiring.

5:15 PM: Conjure up an emotional memory that will lead you to spontaneously burst out in a fit of tears (Shelby's death in Steel Magnolias always works for us). Why the crying? Well, because one of the best things about being a gay person is that you have no emotional land mines of which you must be careful to avoid. Is some straight tourist going to call you a "sissy" for your tearful display? Whatever! You'll call them an emotionless cad who has deliberately shut off a portion of their body's natural response.

5:20 PM: Move over to the Armed Forces recruitment center on Time Square's Military Island. Both "ask" and "tell."

6:00 PM: Hit up any of the city's book behemoths, whereupon you'll ask the most clueless-looking clerk on staff where the keep their copies of "The Homosexual Agenda." When they give an inevitable look of confusion and tell you that no such book exists, stand on the store's new release table and announce to definitely confirm that the social conservatives' chatter about the mythical tome has been a complete crock of shite.

6:40 PM: Wade through the sugar-fueled crowds at Dylan's Candy Bar (1011 Third Avenue). Create your own "Pride Flag in a Bag" out of either jelly beans or M&Ms.

7:20 PM: Treat yourself and your partner to a lovely dinner in a non-touristy, trendy downtown restaurant. The fact that you can engage in a non-controversial pre-dinner kiss will make you prouder of your city than even the most glitter-coated of big-haired dance divas!

9:45 PM: Head to either Scores or Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, your choice. Coax a few of the girls to come and chat with you about something like Hillary Clinton or The Sex and The City Movie, giving them respite from the lap dance-craving, "Baba Booey"-spouting bachelor parties that have surely filled their night.
**While there, be sure to make mental note of any tan-lined ring fingers attached to the girl-crazy men, for the next time your gay "lifestyle" is accused of weakening the sanctity of marriage.

10:40 PM: Have some ice cream. Not lowfat Tasti D-Lite or some sort of Fro-Yo. We're talking the real stuff. Pride Revolution Day allows for Haagen Dasz or Ben & Jerry's.

Midnight: Go home and have sex, sex, and more sex. Not only dare to speak your love's name -- scream it.

12:25: Re-inflate your companion for another round.

**But for those who still want to kick it old school: NYC Pride [HOP]

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Your thoughts

I think I'm just gonna stay in and watch reruns of Blossom.

Posted by: andy | Jun 27, 2008 11:27:00 AM

Ah. So you're trading sex for Six, Andy?

Posted by: G-A-Y | Jun 27, 2008 11:33:43 AM

Young Joey Lawrence fantasies, actually.

Posted by: | Jun 27, 2008 11:45:51 AM

[insert obvious "WOH!" joke]

Posted by: G-A-Y | Jun 27, 2008 11:53:04 AM

I love it and I will be at NYC Pride. I got a kick out of the strip club bit. For some reason whenever the guys I with whom I work come of age, they ask me to take them to the straight strip club. This mystifies me as they know I'm gay. Anyway, the girls love me because I do sit and talk with them. I've had more than one buy me drinks. Wait...maybe this is why the guys like going with me. lol!

Posted by: Ed | Jun 27, 2008 12:25:33 PM

Love this! Will make sure my partner & I do several of the items on your itinerary... :)

Posted by: z. | Jun 27, 2008 12:35:48 PM

"Bonus points if you avoid the typical commercial gay meccas and instead hit up somewhere like Home Depot"

Hello...Lesbians love Home Depot.

Posted by: Alonzo | Jun 27, 2008 1:16:10 PM

That's true. However, it's geared to the comfort level of the customer base and the employees, not the affection for the store. Registering at Barneys at Manhattan is sure to be less of a statement than registering at Home Depot in Queens.

Posted by: G-A-Y | Jun 27, 2008 1:21:50 PM

JH you are all over it! ...and I mean it I just copied this link to 3 other sites that have known ?Yorkers?... well NY people you know.

For some reason I love the 1:30.... was drinking tea at the time.... yep a huge mess!

Posted by: LOrion | Jun 27, 2008 2:37:03 PM

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