What feats needed to fill Matt's shoes?
Yesterday we told you that Matt Barber will leaving the Concerned Women For America. Well in an exclusive to G-A-Y, we have just obtained a new ad seeking the proper person to fill Matt's shoes. And you know what? It really seems like they've hit all the important job requirements.
Check it out:
Policy Director for Cultural Issues
COMPANY: Concerned Women For America
INDUSTRY: Forcing a nation to fight a needless, never-
ending, propagandistic battle known as the “culture war”
SALARY: Commiserate with experience in disliking gays,
employing hyperbolic code-wording, and masking bias
behind a veil of “family values”
BENEFITS: 401K; Dental; Health; never have to admit
you are wrong; never have to buy a gay couple a wedding
gift; lots of free time because you are required to find most
available entertainment options possessive of a corruptive
agenda, and therefore off-limits
JOB DURATION: Full time. Ideal candidate will start
immediately, working until the Rapture
JOB LOCATION: On a moral pedestal, the heights of
which homosexuals cannot reach unless they change
REQUIREMENTS: The Policy Director for Cultural Issues
is essentially an infallible authority on all things gay,
working from the foregone conclusion that gays are
evil. Essentially, you will be in charge of taking anything
that gays say, do, create, pass, or think of, and tell the
public why, exactly, the idea is disgusting, Satanic,
sinful, dangerous, hostile, dirty, smelly, yucky, icky,
and most of all -- anti-Christian. Now, it doesn’t matter
if it truly IS any of those things. Your job is to stop our
followers from thinking for themselves and forming their
own opinions about the non-monolithic, diverse LGBT
community, and to instead just tell them what to think.
We are looking for a leader who is creative at re-using the
same code words over and over again while still managing
to keep them interesting. History dictates that even though
we are a women’s organization, this position will be filled by
-Demonstrated ability to meet deadlines
-Demonstrated ability to make homosexuality look like a “dead
-Strong writing skills
-Strong anti-lefting skills
-Some sort of credibility-lending degree a plus
-Some sort of Jesus-believing religion a must
-Lack of concern for the inevitable fact that your job will be looked
back upon in fifty years with the same disdain that socety currently
employs when remembering past bouts of bias
ABOUT OUR COMPANY: See all you need to know at
Oh, and in case you weren't aware: This is not a real ad. At least as far as we know.
NOTE: It would also help if you have a former sports career like wrestling, or football, or boxing, or...something manly! We at CWA promise to fail to see the inherent homoeroticism in this and compare it to your fierce anti-gay sentiments. Bev and Jan are completely oblivious, Wendy's probably on anti-depressants, and the rest of the employees are naive college students.
Posted by: Evan | Jun 13, 2008 3:01:04 PM
Looks like a job for Sally Kern?
Posted by: Gary | Jun 13, 2008 3:04:42 PM
Maybe his best buddy Peter should apply for the job! I mean, he's ALREADY a woman, and he's VERY concerned about men fucking men (to the point that he has to film them going at it, for later viewings).
This really is a big joke, IMO. Barber is a human version of AIDS, and he will infect and destroy Falwell's credibility, as he done at CWFA.
Perhaps "Bam Bam" will someday be as big as Falwell - and I'm not talking about influence or reputation, either.
Posted by: Scott | Jun 13, 2008 3:19:27 PM
Two words: Larry Craig.
Posted by: KipEsquire | Jun 13, 2008 3:40:06 PM
Kudos ALL JH, Evan and Gary! Not a quipper can't top 'em but can sure enjoy 'em.
Posted by: LOrion | Jun 13, 2008 3:54:46 PM
What does progandastic mean?
Posted by: John | Jun 13, 2008 4:36:38 PM
John: Well, it should actually be propagandIstic. Changing it now.
propagandistic: of or relating to or characterized by propaganda
Posted by: G-A-Y | Jun 13, 2008 4:45:24 PM
It also helps if you were fired from your last job for tying the name of your employer to an anti-gay rant.
Posted by: Timothy | Jun 13, 2008 4:49:46 PM
Shouldn't the ideal candidate be able to walk on water? Matt could walk on water, couldn't he? Isn't walking on water essential for being able to follow the likes of Fred Phelps, Sally Kern, and Chad Vegas? Surely, they can walk on water, or are they waiting for hell to freeze over? Walking on ice is a lot easier than walking on water.
Posted by: Mike in the Tundra | Jun 13, 2008 5:16:11 PM
It's still spelled wrong. Now it's progandistic instead of progandastic.
It's just got to be Friday.
Actually, I sort of like the original progandastic. It has a nice mouth feel and somehow hints at something really heinous.
Posted by: lelosh | Jun 13, 2008 5:32:28 PM
OMG. Alright, now it should be right.
Yes, it's Friday.
Posted by: G-A-Y | Jun 13, 2008 5:57:23 PM
I would bet money that he will be replaced by Crystal Dixon.
Posted by: Jon-Marc | Jun 14, 2008 8:08:41 AM
Sounds like a drag name.
Posted by: Corvidae | Jun 15, 2008 3:44:02 AM
Job Requirement: Candidate must possess strong self-loathing skills. Latent homosexuality and/or complete denial of own sexuality a plus.
Concerned Women of America is an equal-opportunity employer in that we employ equal-opportunity bigots and self-righteous wingnuts.
Posted by: TegusTodd | Jun 15, 2008 2:54:50 PM
Posted by: | Aug 7, 2008 10:22:27 PM
No thanks, anon.
Posted by: G-A-Y | Aug 8, 2008 6:22:28 AM
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Posted by: college staff westwood | Oct 23, 2008 5:18:22 PM
It is really unbelievable how this offer of emplyment is phrased. All requirements are really crazy... Another requirement could be: Destroy the Christopher Street Day in Cologne. Work against it and try to finish this event forever...Oh my goodness; really crazy this post!!!
Posted by: Flüge Thailand | Feb 23, 2009 5:15:04 AM
Flüge: Just to be clear -- You do know it's a parody, right?
Posted by: G-A-Y | Feb 23, 2009 5:36:01 AMcomments powered by Disqus