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07/15/2008

Shaky faults: The gays' fault?

by Jeremy Hooper

Picture 16-37Is gay acceptance causing the California wildfires? And will the non-persecution of the LGBT set eventually lead to earthquakes in the Golden State?

Well Westboro Baptist Church would certainly answer "yes" to both of those questions. But now it seems that idea is catching steam with those outside the family Phelps. This from a column that Tom Kovach has written for the Renew America website:

God is punishing California for its leading role in promoting the abomination of homosexuality. (Could it be that God will terminate "The Governator"?) The area most responsible has been baked, and the shaking is now beginning. But, once having been shaken, will they be stirred ... to repentance? Only God knows, and only time will tell. But, it is becoming obvious that a drama of "truly Biblical proportions" is playing out before our very eyes.

Hmm -- only God knows whether folks will repent, yet you, Mr. Kovach, know that God is bringing natural disasters to the Golden State? Well why the hell did he stop his email at just the natural disasters thing? Couldn't the big guy have gone just a little further and given you insight into repentance? It doesn't seem like a major detail. After he poured his superhuman heart out to you about how he burns down a house every time two dudes kiss, it seems like he could've just added a P.S. telling you whether his fiery vengeance spree will cause California mortals to fall to their knees in prayer. Did he run out of time or something? Did he and Jesus have dinner plans, so he had to cut his message short? What gives?!

I don't know, dude, it just seems odd that you'd have to speculate about this one detail, when you so clearly have the creator of totality on your AIM buddy list. Or could it be -- and we're just guessing here -- that it's convenient for a religion-based man of bias to speak for God when trying to scare folks with natural occurrences that to the human mind seem like the sort of thing an angry man in the sky would bring forth as "punishment," yet less advantageous to put a definitive on what sort of change these Godly acts will bring to the human populace (so as to not seem overreaching)? Because we see it kinda like the way we used to try to scare our siblings into giving us their candy bar. If we said, "YOU WILL GIVE ME THAT HERSHEY'S NOW," the tactic was met with the sort of resistance that would raise parental concerns. However, if we instead hinted that the candy bar was undeniably filled with maggots, and wondered aloud if maybe, just maybe, it would be to one's advantage to eschew the chocolate for a nice banana, we'd secretly find ourselves in sugary bliss within the hour, and our gracious siblings would think we'd helped them make their own rational decision. It's the same thing here, Mr. Kovach: You, the all-knowing Tom Kovach say you have inside info that California is undeniably doomed because of the gays, but you, being such a lover of personal freedom, will leave it up to the citizens to determine how they proceed with their lives.

Well, Mr. K: We're calling your bluff on the whole thing. Those who would really seem in need of contrition are those who are brazen enough to insinuate that they have God on speed dial, and who proceed to lay out a roadmap for the totality of the human population based on the insider knowledge that they've supposedly gleaned from their shoulder-rubbing closeness with the Man Upstairs. We would never speak for God, as he has yet to befriend us on Myspace or Facebook, so we don't feel like we're in his inner circle. However, our feeble human minds just can't imagine that the sneaky, childish version of his message that you are presenting through the filter of anti-gay activism is anything close to what he would get behind.

California: still bakin', soon shakin' [Renew America]

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Your thoughts

Hate to say it but I'm kind of jealous. Why should California get all of god's attention when we've had gay marriage here in MA for a while without so much as a single wildfire or earthquake. Do we just not matter as much to him, or is it the nature of climate and techtonics of the northeast?

Posted by: seff | Jul 15, 2008 9:51:43 AM

I started reading that guy's column and it took me four paragraphs to realize it wasn't parody. It read like an Onion article.

Sometimes I hate the Internet.

Posted by: ted | Jul 15, 2008 11:54:18 AM

I love it when these guys prove to anyone who will listen to them that they're morons. They ignore lightning strikes that kill Boy Scouts. They ignore tornadoes that destroy towns in Kansas. They ignore the occaisional buss load of church kids that careens down an embankment into a canyon and explodes into flames. They ignore the drought and fires in their own back yards.

But they point out a map of one of the most conservative locations in California that is notorious for having earthquakes as proof of god's wrath. An area that is also about 120 miles north of San Francisco - which if anything just proves that if god wanted to lash out at the Sodomites, he has remarkably poor aim (or maybe his aim is perfect).

During any given week in California there are between 700 and 1200 earthquakes. Almost all of them are 1.0 to 2.0 in magnitude. Maybe as many as 5% of them are in the 3.0 range. If you roll over in bed, your partner feels more shakin' than a 3.0 causes. Even a 6.0 (which in Richter terms is 1000 times larger than a 3.0) rarely does any damage - and almost all Californians sleep right through them.

The earthquakes on the map that Kovach is basing his pronouncement on, all of them are 1.0 to 2.2. During an average year there are probably 3,000 to 5,000 similar earthquakes in that area, and that has been going on forever. They call it The Geysers for a reason. By the way, the percolating hot springs make it a great place to go for a mud-bath (for those newly-wedded or just getting away for the weekend).

Morons like Kovach just prove to everyone that none of them should be listened to.

Posted by: Dick Mills | Jul 15, 2008 12:58:08 PM

Renew America: Naming natural disasters for our pet peeves. I get it, and will play do the same. I predict Hurricane Inequality will strike land somewhere in the northern hemisphere this summer!

Posted by: Larry | Jul 15, 2008 2:49:35 PM

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