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03/31/2010

Taking people's $14 to stop a non-problem: Either smartest or most ignoble April Fool's prank of the year

by Jeremy Hooper

Tomorrow night, on the appropriately foolhardy date of April 1, Maggie Gallagher and her colleague/boss/fellow traveler down the path of unfortunate civil rights history, Robert George, will appear at North Carolina's Southern Evangelical Seminary, where they'll work to tell this particular group of faith believers why they should use their personal theological assessments to stop civil -- civil, civil, did I mention we gay activists are seeking CIVIL? -- marriage. Here's the ridiculous flyer for that lil' shindig:

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Flyer [Veritas]

You know, because we gays are a rising tide of floodwater out to destroy America's hetero-focused cake toppers. Every time we say "I do," another bakery's box of man/woman pastry-sitters gets just a little bit wetter, until eventually, the bottom will rot out scattering broken shards of bouquets and bow ties all over the checkered floor. And then when done with those, we'll start pissing in the national supply of cake batter itself. Because we are ruthless. RUTHLESS! R-U-T-H-L-E-S-S!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

For just 14 buckerooskies, you too can help throw a life preserver around America's stock of porcelain pastry figurines. After all, why shouldn't heterosexual citizens be the only ones who get to put their legally-recognized union atop a literally sweetened pedestal?

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