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Video: Where bodies of water can divide us, Maggie will make rain

by Jeremy Hooper

To understand the true stakes of the gay rights debate, one need look no further than the following CNN piece. At its heart is a binational same-sex couple who cannot marry under federal law, and who are therefore unable to adequately protect their bond in order to stay together. Then to the far-right of the notion of heart is professional anti-equality proponent Maggie Gallagher, making it sound as if gay couples are just any other pair of pals, all while disingenuously overlooking the undeniable role that her own daily work of denying marriage rights to same-sex couples has in all of this.

The debate is not a two-sided, equal footing, "agree to disagree" situation. It is a deservedly unequal fight between peace and cruel injustice:


MAGGIE: [dials seven digits in her phone, waits for answer on other end]

MAGGIE'S MOM: Maggie? Hello, dear!

MAGGIE: Hi, ma. Just want to let you know that I'm on CNN today. You should try to check it out.

MOM: Oh that's great dear! Talking about the oil spill?

MAGGIE: Uhm, no.

MOM: Economy?


MOM: Climate change? The obesity epidemic? Ending war?

MAGGIE: Nope, nada, no way.

MOM: Then what, dear?

MAGGIE: Well, I went on the national airwaves for the sole purpose of justifying tearful airport embraces between certain tax-paying citizens.

MOM: What's that, dear?

MAGGIE: I'm on TV to keep loving couples apart. You know those gay couples that I've been talking about incessantly for the past decade and change? And you know how I don't want them to marry under civil law? Well here's the thing: I also don't want them to even be together in any easy, benign way. So even though there are millions of gay people living and working and playing and contributing to society...

MOM: Right, there are lots of them in the theater. [thinks for a minute] Wait, don't you have a close loved one who makes his living in the theater, and who even appeared in a gay-inclusive show called SODOM?

MAGGIE: Yea, uhm, let's not talk about that right now. .... So anyway, even though these couples are everywhere, and even though they earn lots more support with every passing year, I'm doing everything in my power to keep this "culture war" idea alive. It's kind of my thing. So anything I can do to divide us as a people, with LGBT people at the scapegoat-y center? Yea, well -- that's a gig I'm going to take!!

MOM: And thus the CNN appearance, dear?

MAGGIE: And thus the CNN appearance, ma.

MOM: Well that's just fine, dear. It's a wonderful thing, TV. And just like I can tape it so that I can see you whenever I want, those nice gay couples can just go ahead and make videos of each other so that they never really have to be alone either.

MAGGIE: RIGHT! That's what I keep saying! We in the heterosexual, Christian majority will allow them to do that. Why are they so militant that they need to take their agenda into the physical realm?!?!

MOM: I have no answers for you dear. But Maggie, if you could now excuse me, I was actually in the middle of making a breakfast spread for my friends.

MAGGIE: Oh, nice -- what are you serving?

MOM: I'm doing a whole multicultural thing: Seeing what foods marry together and can therefore stay at the table, and which recipes are unfit by virtue of their creation.

MAGGIE: Ooh, ma -- that gives me a good idea for a Food Network segment!


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