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08/20/2010

Anita Staver gives new meaning to 'tree hugger'

by Jeremy Hooper

Anita-StaverThe following piece of "satire" comes from the mind and pen of Anita Staver, president of the anti-LGBT Liberty Counsel (and wife of Liberty Counsel chairman Mat Staver):

The Tree and I
Why I Want to Marry a Ficus

a satirical poem by
Anita L. Staver, Esq.

Oh how I love my ficus tree
It’s one with whom I long to be
I rub its bark and shine its green
It’s calm and never makes a scene

We’re quite content and never shout
When I stay out late it doesn’t pout
Or tell me how to spend my money
It leans toward me and I call it “honey”

It fills a special place in my heart
I promise that we will never part
I can even quote a Bible verse
Of the fig tree that Jonah loved first

Now there’s a judge on the west coast
I know he’ll give what I want most
To marry my precious ficus tree
Me, a ficus and baby makes three

This may never become a trend
So I may tire of my woody friend
And if I decide to give up my Mister
The judge would then let me marry my sister!

Yup, you read that right: She just compared gay people's marriages to that which might exist between a human and a topiary tree, as well as that which could possibly go down between a person and his or her sibling. Plus she reduced a judge's 136-page, completely thought out and reasoned opinion to little more than an activist whim that will allow any sort of request regardless of demonstrated merit. Which of course makes it sound as if pro-equality lawyers haven't had to do their hard work, as well as excuses the piss poor anti-LGBT court showing that both we and Liberty Counsel have criticized. All off-base attack positions, slipped in under the cover of "satire."

Not to mention, Anita totally offended our taste. I mean a ficus? Really? Pscha! Everyone knows that we gays only pine for oaks! Or the occasional Willow, in the case of lesbians.

But hey, this is just one fringe voice. It's not like Anita is someone who gets booked on mainstream television programs or anything, right?

Oh.

***

*One more thing: It's probably not the smartest thing for an evangelical Christian to attack tree love, considering that religion's most major holiday is centered around making a Fraser Fir look all pretty and sparkly. This writer lives in New York City not far from Rockefeller Center: I see this major tree fetish up close!

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