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08/30/2010

Hey Brian Fischer: Stay away from my rectum and my rights!

by Jeremy Hooper

Because of the conservative star's failure to see same-sex marriage as a national threat, the American Family Association's Bryan Fischer has a message for talker Glenn Beck. Here's a summation:

Glenn, Glenn, wake up and smell the arsenic, my friend.
Fischer...
Wake up and smell the napalm, buddy.
...
You are giving aid and comfort to those who are destroying her vocational future because they want people to be able to use the rectum for sex without criticism.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn: if special rights are given to people just because they want to use the alimentary canal for sexual purposes, no social conservative will be able to criticize homosexual behavior on biblical or moral grounds without running the risk of legal punishment.
...
Wake up and smell the toxins, my friend.
....
You have done a noble thing on your radio and television programs by repeatedly calling us back to our founding history and to our foundational values as a country.

But Glenn, our “Divine Destiny” as a nation does not include societal approval for people who want to use the anus for sex. The “Laws of Nature and Nature’s God” don’t endorse such behavior. And neither should you.
Glenn, Glenn: same-sex marriage is a threat to the Republic - and to kids [American Family Association]

Oh Mr. Fischer, you're sadly mistaken: We equality activists don't give a quarter of a flying frick whether or not you approve or criticize anything that we may or may not do in bed. In fact, I'd personally ask that you go ahead and remove your mind from my underwear altogether, thank you very much. Like now. Seriously. Outta there, oddly overactive conserva-magination!

But what we on the right side of history are demanding -- as in not asking, or begging, or restraining/continuing dependent on your personal level -- is that you foes of the 'mos get your paws off of our rights of citizenship! That's a non-ngeotiable.

Look, personally I thought my chosen scent was L'Occitane Lemon Verbena (for another week, until I transition to my fall scent), but if you want to think that I smell like arsenic, then you go right ahead. And while I've always considered my marriage to be more like a smooth ocean than a mushroom cloud, if you look at my wedding album and see napalm, then who am I to stop you? Oh, and the same goes for toxins -- if you want to believe that there is a toxic pox hanging over my and my husband's house, then have a field day visualizing the black cloud that's robbing us of morality. How you spend your personal time, whether adorned in a Hazmat suit or no, is entirely your business.

Though how you respect my rights as a fellow American citizen, Mr. Fischer, is NOT determined by a board room at your own private company -- it is determined by accurate constitutional interpretation. And that is a fair-minded tale that, while admittedly not as colorful as your own toxic talk, is clearly he one that America is ever more fully embracing. Even Americans like Glenn Beck.

***

**EARLIER FISCHER:

-The time Mr. Fischer said "homosexuals should be disqualified from public office"
-The time Mr. Fischer said that "homosexuals in the military gave us...six million dead Jews."
-The time Mr. Fischer called on Christian conservatives to breed gays and progressives out of existence
-The time Mr. Fischer declared that "Every time an HIV-infected male has sex with another male, it's essentially the same as plunging an infected heroin needle into his arm. He's passing on a potential death sentence, just as the Taliban seeks to do on a foreign battlefield."
-The time Mr. Fischer said only gays were savage enough for Hitler
-The time Mr. Fischer invoked a Biblical story about stabbing "sexually immoral" people with spears, saying we need this kind of action in modern day
-The time Mr. Fischer compared gays to heroin abusers
-The time Mr. Fischer told us to just shut up
-The time Mr. Fischer oddly interpreted past historical oppressions
-The time Mr. Fischer directly compared laws against gay soldiers to those that apply to bank robbers

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