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07/03/2013

Make Your 'Ex-gay' Pride Month plans now!

by Jeremy Hooper

With so much activity to cram into such a small amount of time, one must plan. It's almost Pride Month after all—"Ex-gay" Pride Month!

Screen Shot 2013-07-03 At 8.18.46 AmAs you may or may not know, social conservatives like Linda Harvey and professional "ex-gay" activists like Christopher Doyle have officially declared July to be the official month for these festivities honoring those "in heterosexual relationships, pursuing heterosexuality, or living celibate lives as former homosexuals." But I can almost guarantee that you've yet to see the calendar of events that will spread out over the course of the month.

Fortunately, I have your exclusive look right now! Get to planning (i.e. "ex-procrastinating"):

EX-GAY PRIDE MONTH 2013

  • July 3: At 8PM ET (5 PT), supporters will gather to clear out any credible science book that happens to be in their home, office, local library, or bookstore. After all, a successful "Ex-Gay" Pride is dependent on ignoring the consensus of the scientific community when it comes to sexual orientation and attempts to "alter" it.
  • July 4: Day: Folks nationwide will hold picnics to honor America's commitment to people living as they choose, something that all of us, LGBT, S, or "ex-gay," strongly support. Though for those celebrating "Ex-gay" Pride Month, there are strict instructions to not put two wieners together on the same grill.

    Evening: "Ex-gay" therapists will shoot off bottle rockets and roman candles, hoping to convince the "former gays" and "former lesbians" gathered nearby that the fireworks they are seeing in the air are actually romantic sparks between them.

  • July 9: At 10PM ET (7 PT), supporters and allies will hold a vigil for Exodus International, the mega "ex-gay" org that recently announced its closing. The hope is that the smoke from the candles will obfuscate what a major development this is in the conversation about the efficacy of "ex-gay" efforts.
  • July 13: COSTUME PARTY! At 9 PM local time, there will be dress-up parties across the nation, at which participants will take on the persona of something else they used to be. Some costume ideas: If you haven't eaten since lunch, you can go as an "Ex-Full" American. If you recently moved from Florida, you can go as an "Ex-Sunshined" person. If you missed the latest season of Mad Men, you can assume an "Ex-SterlingCoopered" citizen. And so on and so forth.
  • July 17: There will be a nationwide conference call to discuss how the "ex-gay" movement can keep up the illusion that there are thousands upon thousands of "ex-gays," even though they continually use the same handful of spokespeople and no one seems to come across very many "ex-gays" in everyday life. Topics for discussion: Whether cardboard cutouts and/or mirrors might help make crowds look bigger; how to ignore the ex-"ex-gays" who call out their charade; whether claiming millions upon millions would be pushing it just a little too far; more. Call in number available upon request (*unless your name is Wayne Besen).
  • July 18: Day-long protest outside the Ben Gay factory, encouraging the popular ointment to add an extra "e" to its name.
  • July 22: Artisanal Snake Oil Brewfest! In venues across the nation, some of the movement's top manufacturers of remedies that are neither needed or effective will gather to show up their skills, sell samples of their products, and hopefully dupe just a few more people into believing their unneeded placebo is a "cure." The longtime bottlers at NARTH will be honored with a special trophy that looks kind of okay form the outside, but one that you will learn holds no water if you really examine it.

    The oils will cost plenty, so be prepared to pray away your pay.
  • July 26: History Night! Supporters are encouraged to dig back to the 1950s, when the "ex-gay" movement in America got its first legs. All are encouraged to note (but never publicly admit) how shockingly similar the outdated claims are to the ones being made today.

    Oh, and don't worry—you will be given dark glasses to blind your eyes before entering the "Damage this Movement Has Done" wing.
  • July 28: The Celibate Ball! From 8-11 (your local time), various communities will be holding dances just for those who are actually no longer having sex with anyone but who still claim "ex-gay" for political reasons. From first dance to the time the DJ announces, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay queer," attendees will get the chance to sway their hips but fight their urges.
  • July 31: The First Annual "Ex-gay" Pride March!!!! This is it, folks—the climactic conclusion of one "ex-gay-erific" month of festivities! Thousands upon thousands (or is it millions upon millions?) will march (or "ex-stand") in the streets (or "ex-grass"). There will be floats ("ex-boring-flatbed-trucks") and revelers ("ex-joyless-bores") a'plenty, all gathered to rise up against the complete and utter non-persecution that comes from the personal choice to self-identify as an "ex-gay."

    There will be plenty of attractions (*but none of them same-sex. Nope. No way. Nu uh. Promise. Not even a little bit.)

Too fun, right?

And then in August, you are totally free to go back to living your truth.

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**ALSO: Some tell me that this gala event, thrown by an SPLC-designated "hate group" and featuring three sitting members of Congress, is also happening. But I don't know, personally I think that event sounds a little too satirical to be true. ;-)

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