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'Illinois Family' leader says something f*cked up; oh, and the sky's also blue

by Jeremy Hooper

   Responding to the news that an openly gay lad and lass were named as the Homecoming King and Queen of their Chicago-area school, the Illinois Family Institute's Peter Labarbera (pic.) tells NBC 5 news:

"Something that was once sort of universally regarded as a sin, is now becoming sort of cool in high school," he said. "It's easy for an adult to say, 'Oh wow, I'm doing the compassionate thing by telling this teenaged boy that he's gay,' but they won't be there when the boy becomes a man and comes down with HIV or hepititis B and C."

And now we present to you, dear readers, 'Our interpretation of Labarbera's home life,' a short play in one tiny act:

PETER: Illinois family, I'm home
WIFE: Hi dear, how was your day as a professional homophobe?
PETER: Oh, you know, the usual rigamaroll that comes along with dedicating one's life to perpetuating stereotypes against a minority that I fear or that I'm possibly secretly a part of. Oh yea, I spoke to the local NBC affiliate and predicted that a young boy will acquire some sort of disease in the coming years, so that should at least scare a few of my peeps into believing that all gays are dipped into 'the disease sauce' by the time they're 25.
WIFE: Oh, my little sayer of f*cked up things , I'm so proud of you.
PETER: Well it's a tough job, honey, but nobody's gotta do it. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go to the restroom.
WIFE: Okay sweetie, but be sure to spray some air freshener when you're done.
PETER: Oh dear, don't be silly. You know my morally sanct poo doesn't stink.
WIFE: Oh, how dumb of me. Okay, so go do your thing and then wash up for dinner. I made your favorite, Judgemental Meatloaf
PETER: With R-V?
WIFE: R-V, dear?
PETER: Ya know, gravy without the G-A-Y. In my house, 'gay' doesn't exist in any way, shape, or sodomy.
WIFE: Whatever you say honey. I love you greatly...err, retl
PETER: And I love you retl as well. God bless the sanctity of our traditional hetero-normal marriage.

And scene.

Gay Royalty Shares Proud Moment [NBC5]

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