'Tis the season for 'fag-hating'

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12/21/2005

by Jeremy Hooper

Tired of the same old Christmas tunes? Think "Rudolph" and the "Little Drummer Boy" are totally played out? Well don't fret my new holiday song-desiring friends, as the "fag-haters" at Westboro Baptist Church have filled this musical void by rewriting some classic Xmas ditties to fit their hell-condemning needs.

In the recap (PDF) of their latest picket, one can find the lyrics to such destined to be holiday classics as:

(sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
Don’t leave your kids with this red fright
Just like the priests he’ll rape them at night
Santa Claus will take you to hell
You tell the children he is real
You know that’s just a lie
To justify your own vile sins
That’s the only reason why
So get this fact straight
You’re feeling God’s hate
Santa’s to blame for this nation’s ill fate
Santa Claus will take you to hell
and:

(sung to the tune of "Joy to the World")
Doom to the world
The time has come
For God to punish you
He’s listened to your blasphemy
He will ignore your cry and plea
No prayer will change his mind
No prayer will change his mind
It’s too late; it’s too late to change his mind
This town is lost
It’s way too late
For God to bless this land
He told you what you ought to do
And then we came and told you too
But you ignored his words
Yes, you ignored his words
There’s no excuse, because you heard his words

Charming. Inspired by all of this aria altering, we have decided to reinvent our own yuletide carol to fully encapsulate our feelings towards Westboro:

(sung to the tune of "Carol of the Bells")
Ooh how they smell,
we're going to hell,
because we're gay,
that's what they say,

They don't like queers,
wish they weren't here,
shit's gettin' old,
like human mold,

Oh how they hound,
raising the sound,
'God Hates Fags',
their message gags,

Plant verbal mines,
while holding signs,
why are they here?
bring me a beer,

Very, very, very, very twisted,
Very, very, very, very twisted,
On on they send,
hate with no end,
Their nasty tone,
bullshit they moan,
Ding Dongs Ding Dongs
(repeat in rounds)