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Why we do we have a sinking feeling that Venice's theories are all wet?

by Jeremy Hooper

   The latest edition of St Louis's Riverfront Times newspaper features a piece on pastor Jim Venice (pic.), who, through his Pure Heart Ministries, tries to "convert" homos using a theory that "before developing an attraction to the opposite sex, people must become comfortable with their God-given gender." An excerpt:

"At age five or six, a boy will tell himself, 'My pee-pee is not like her pee-pee, and my pee-pee is like Daddy's pee-pee, so I must be like Daddy," Venice explains. "At this time boys start learning from Dad what it means to be a man, how to be masculine and do boy things like play in the dirt, roughhouse and catch frogs, et cetera."

"For girls it's the opposite," Venice continues. "They're filling their bowl with femininity and things that are soft and pink and pretty and pajama parties and hopscotch and jump rope and Barbies and tea parties."

At each meeting, Venice asks his clients what they've done to "fill their bowl." For a man, that might be weight-lifting, fishing or catching a Cardinals game with a male friend (provided he's heterosexual).

The goal, adds Venice, is for his clients to participate in activities with heterosexual males that will reaffirm their masculinity. He calls it "buddy time," the type of child's play most people enjoyed as kids.

Because it really is that cut and dry, right?

No word on what Mr. Venice would suggest to someone (like your humble writer) who thoroughly enjoys baseball games, played in the dirt with the best of them, was known to be quite the frog catcher in the day, proudly declared that both the girls and their stupid dolls had cooties, lifts weights regularly, and yet could never come anywhere close to "getting it up" while trying to engage in sexual intercourse with females. We'd, however, say to such a person, "Self, aren't you glad you were born with the mental capacities and emotional stability to realize and accept that some people are just homosexual? After all, it exists all throughout the animal kingdom, even in species that can't discern between pink and blue. It's sad that one would work so hard to deny their inner, biological truths simply because of the stigma society has placed on the sexuality that is truly their own. It's good that you have the balls to admit that you've been attracted to your own gender ever since kindergarten graduation when you saw A--t-n K--l-s walk down to the stage in his high top converse with the multi-colored laces. You know in your heart and mind that you've never been physically drawn to a female for one day of your life, despite the fact that you grew up and enjoyed the exact same activities as your friends who are now heterosexual. Moreover, you're totally okay with that. After all, you're not a f***ing idiot."

To read more tales of successful gay conversions, go to the Library of Lunacy on the planet Crazytopia and check out the book "Concepts that Exist Only in This Fictional Realm." To read more misguided rhetoric from a confused man, follow this link:

Pray the Gay Away [River Front Times]

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