On Egg Rolls, S&M, and Briefs

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04/18/2006

by Jeremy Hooper

At yesterday's White House press briefing, conservative radio personality and WorldNetDaily columnist Les Kinsolving (pic.) reportedly asked press secretary Scott McClellan, "Since this morning's annual White House Easter Egg Roll welcomed everybody, including those wearing rainbow leis promoting their sexual orientation, will next year's event include all sexual orientations, including those wearing arm bands proclaiming that pain is pleasure, or not?" To which McClellan responded, "Les, the Easter Egg Roll is a very happy tradition at the White House that dates back to 1878. It is a time for families, and we welcome all families and their children who want to come and participate in the Easter Egg Roll."

However, we think a much more suitable response would've been, "No, absolutely not. We're gonna next year ask folks at the gate what sort of practices they get into in the sack, and we're gonna weed out all of the parents whose sexual behaviors we deem too wacky. Role playing? Not at this egg hunt. Fetish? Go away. Like to use toys? Well vibrate on out of gates, because you're not playing here. After all, that is what the same-sex couples in attendance at the Egg Roll were all about -- their sex lives. It wasn't about seeking respect for their relationships and families -- it was all about throwing their bedroom behavior in the faces of everyone. In fact, it was a toss up between wearing rainbow leis and a necklaces of condoms and dental dams. Sex, sex, sex, sex -- it's what they're all about. And I particularly like how you and your "pro-family" friends totally neglect to acknowledge that heterosexual couples also have the sex; it's only the silly homos that, just by merely showing up somewhere, are throwing their bang sessions in America's faces. Heteros are just being sweet and loving and holding hands and looking all cute and shit. The homos, however, are destroying society with every loving glance. So Les, you're right to make the leap from one's sexual orientation to a particular practice that is prevalent in both hetero and homo orientations. Yes, even if the S&M folks wear armbands that are not obscene, vulgar, or in anyway offensive, we're gonna kick them to the curb. Freedom, schmeedom. Les, my buddy, your question is in no way misguided, fear-mongering, silly, or offensive -- you are a quality reporter with the highest of journalistic ethics. Helen Thomas, I hope you're taking notes -- this guy's got the GOODS!"