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Step 1: Locate receipt. Step 2: Place America in its original packaging. Step 3: Drive to store. Step 4: Tell customer service why you're unhappy with nation.

by Jeremy Hooper

This weekend, social conservatives held a so-called "How to Take Back America Conference." Ya know, because even though it was a majority of voters who went to the polls last November to wash away the soul-numbing bad mojo that plagued the first eight years of this country's government (and its international reputation), and even though the president still holds majority favorable ratings after nine months into his administration, somehow it is they, the far-right Republicans, who we are to believe (for some reason only known to them) hold the one usable copy of America's troubleshooting guide/ warranty terms.

Here are but three conference attendees, and their ideas of how to tame this awful cesspool that progressives are apparently creating:

HTTBA's official channel [YT]

Oh, America. Please tell us that you've adopted a no refunds or exchanges policy on your entire stock of social progress! We simply can't stomach another wholesale liquidation in that department!


*You might remember that this is the same conference that booked Brian Camenker, the head of a SPLC-designated hate group, to lead a "How to counter the homosexual extremist movement" workshop. More on that later.

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Your thoughts

Wow, I see a lot of sore losers here. For the past eight years anytime I expressed disagreement in anything to do with government I was told to shut up, or that I was not a patriotic american because at a time of war I was not supporting my commander in chief, well now they lose and we have to put up with all of this!

I'm tired of it, and it hasn't even been a year!

Posted by: Piper | Sep 27, 2009 11:56:18 PM

I have to wonder how many people in the United States think like these pin heads? I would like to believe that these are the exception, but my real fear is that these are actually the average Americans.

How sad.

Posted by: Owen | Sep 28, 2009 12:40:08 AM

"Learn the true history. Not what's been rewritten."

Ok. And from what credible book or letter about American History do I read? What about the history and creation of the world. Hasn't the Bible been translated and rewritten hundreds of times? Does that mean it's no longer credible?

"Liberty-van" lady was by far my favorite!

Posted by: KZ | Sep 28, 2009 2:01:59 AM

The "Dog Show Van Woman" was my favorite! They've got some real keepers in that crowd!

The best thing about it is that if that's the extent of what they are working with, then their attempts to re-segregate America, and reinstate a batch of "conservative" war/hate-mongering, deficit doubling, bribe taking, billionaire bail-outing, ordinary citizen despising politicians, will probably not amount to much.

But, was it just me, or was the woman in the second video the only one who wasn't trying to sell something. The preacher was selling his bible "schoolin'", the "Dog Show Van" woman was hockin' her "picture postcard", and the plumber's crack is still "fuckin' that chicken" for all he can get out of it. But, as far as I can tell, the other woman probably doesn't stand to gain anything financially for just being a pissed-off racist.

Posted by: Dick Mills | Sep 28, 2009 2:29:58 AM

" Adding comments has been disabled for this video."

Ooooooof course.

Posted by: Mike | Sep 28, 2009 3:30:55 AM

Why does anybody who stopped taking political science and history classes in high school insist that they know anything about the Constitution? Go back to school, Joe-the-Plumber! Get a political science degree, or an American History degree, or for god's sake go read The Federalist at least, and *then* come back and talk to me about the Constitution.

It's like banging your head against a brick wall.

Posted by: fuzzypony | Sep 28, 2009 4:07:13 AM


How long was the return policy supposed to be for? 233 years plus?

I'm surprised theorists haven't said the receipt is on the back of the Declaration of Independence and hired Oliver Stone to remake "National Treasure"...

Posted by: louise | Sep 28, 2009 7:50:41 AM

Did I hear that right? The guy in the first video wants us to educate our kids "Christianly," and then he cites a verse in Deuteronomy? Do these people even read the Bible?

Posted by: Brian | Sep 28, 2009 8:32:52 AM

Dick (and everyone): You must go look at the van:


Posted by: G-A-Y | Sep 28, 2009 8:47:43 AM

Remember when that god showed up in 1964 and crashed in the Lincoln Bedroom before giving the country the Voting Rights Act? Man that was a bitchy god, always demanding thanks and praise and threatening to kill if it didn't get it. And then that god left wet towels on the floor and some gooey stains on the sheets. We need that god to come back and give more rights to us, if not that god, then how about Zeus?

Posted by: John Ozed | Sep 28, 2009 9:34:59 AM

Thank you for posting the 'libertyvan' link, Jeremy. I was trying to find it earlier.

Posted by: KZ | Sep 28, 2009 10:47:42 AM

Picture Postcard is not exactly the way that I would describe that van. And, did you catch the subtitle of her website? ".. and Smokers Rights .." This woman isn't just pissed off about dog-shows and liberty! She is also pissed off that she can't spew carcinogens in the vicinity of everyone else.. and she has a BABY! There are just too many things wrong with that Picture Postcard!

Posted by: Dick Mills | Sep 28, 2009 12:53:01 PM

Oh hey, 4 conservative videos, 4 old white people. Theirs a shock.

Posted by: penguinsaur | Sep 28, 2009 1:06:00 PM

The Liberty Van lady is priceless. She wants to Take Back America, but I wouldn't want to live in the America she wants. Ugh. Her website says her van is a Nissan because the salesman lied to her. Eh? And that Nissans are unsafe for smokers because they have no ashtray.

What kind of "values" is this woman promoting?

Posted by: chibikuri | Sep 28, 2009 5:53:17 PM

Fuzzypony, that was my exact thought. These people haven't taken an American history class since they were like 16 in high school. Go do some basic research! If the Consitution isn't al iving breathing document, and is black and white and should be left unchanged, women and blacks wouldn't have the right to VOTE. That's what AMMENDMENTS are for! It's no 1776 anymore for Christ's sake. These people have no concept of the real world.

The creepy dude that's all for promoting one religion in public schools, he's def. a kid toucher. You can just see it. He screams pederass.

I wonder how these people would feel if kids in public schools were made to say a Muslim prayer every day. Such raging hypocrites.

I don't like Obama much in terms of his ideas on health care and certain things (for my own reasons, not having to do with racism. I actually find Obama to be quite refreshing in terms of getting people, young people esp., interested in politics again, but he's just not my super favorite candidate and I'm not a fan of some policies), but the idea that he was voted in because not enough people got out and voted, shows how incredibly retared these people are. Obama seriously brought a whole new generation to the voting booths on election day. When he came and visited my college, the entire Comcast Center was sold out and the line was around th ebuilding to get any extra seats. The reason he was voted in was because more Americans got to the polls and wanted to see change, because realy, 8 years of Bush was just enough already.


Posted by: Stef | Sep 28, 2009 6:41:06 PM

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