Chelsea: All that's left are the thank you cards

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08/02/2010

by Jeremy Hooper

***

Dear Congressman Frank,

Thank you for the box of air. In light of my mother's reluctance to publicly support your own freedom to marry, not to mention my father's signature on nonsense like the federal Defense Of Marriage Act, this gift is more than understandable. Generous even.

Yours in the slow, incremental, triangulation-laden path to progress,

-C.C. (a.k.a The Clinton who'll actually have the fortitude to stand for FULL equality)

P.S. Mom was the one who requested that if you came to the ceremony, you came not as a full-fledged wedding participant but rather as a "civil friend." Ugh! So friggin' sorry about that!!

***

Dear President and First Lady Obama,

The spring of '08 got so mucky, it didn't seem like any kind of bath would ever cleanse the mess from our sparring bodies. But here we are in 2010, and it's my wedding that's bringing our families together. And it's the amazing Dyson vacuum you gave me that's helping to clean up the crumbs under my bed, as well as the remnants of "you're likable enough, Hillary" that still reside in my head. I thank you for the gift.

Dirt under the rug need a quick sweep? Old baggage in need of a freshening? Go ahead: This is one Clinton machine you can rightly accuse of sucking!

-Chelsea Clinton

***

Dear Vice President Gore,

Look Al, I know the responsible thing would've been to register for carbon credits. I get it. We allllll get it.

But Veepster, after all those free therapy sessions I offered up back in the day, you kinda owed me that Kitchen Aid mixer. All those questions you had: "Why is your dad ignoring me?" "Why does your mom refer to herself as 1.5ed in command?" "Would 'An Inconvenient Truth' or 'Greenland's Melting -- Tipper, Grab My Flippers' be a better movie title?" I was supposed to be the angsty teen, yet you were the one always acting like a self-obsessed "Real World" cast member!

So yea -- thanks for the generous gift, old pal. It'll take thousands of carbon offsets to cool my globally warmed heart!

-The one who never pissed you off

P.S. Hang in there, big guy.

***

Dear Speaker Pelosi,

Thank you so much for the case of wine from your family's Napa vineyard. "Third In Line (And Don't You Forget It)" is a clever name for a Merlot. I'll be sure to store it in a dark place, as it's my firm belief that both reds *and* historical legacies age better if they spend time in the Cabinet.

Yours in feigning the kind of bottled up resentments the media would love to project upon us high profile women,

- The Gentlewoman from New York

***

Dear Mr. Carville and Ms. Matalin,

Your gift was far too generous! I knew they made beds that adjust the mattress to your desired firmness, but I had no clue they even made ones that move further or closer apart depending on the congressional approval rating! Too neat!

Yours in bipartisanship,

-From the left: Chelsea
-From the right: Clinton

***

Dear Governor-resigned Palin,

Thank you so much for the moose-shaped baby rattle. Though I'm afraid there's some confusion. I'm actually celebrating my wedding, not the birth of my first child. While I understand and respect that other girls of my generation choose to reverse the order, I chose to take a more traditional marriage route.

Best,

-Chelsea Victoria Clinton (D)

P.S. Thanks for the makeup tips for the big day, but "going rouge" isn't really my style.

***

Dear Senator McCain,

That unbelievably cruel joke you told about me in 1998 would've been enough to sustain me for a lifetime (Bing it, should you not remember). But nevertheless, thank you for the toaster.

It's funny, it actually reminds me of the one in the White House kitchen. You know the one I'm talking about, right? The stainless steel one?

Wait, what's that? No, you don't know which one I'm talking about? Oh that's right -- because why would you? Oopsie. My bad!

She who laughs last...

-C. Clinton

P.S. Mel Gibson also played a "Maverick." Not saying that label is cursed, but...

***

Dear Tareq and Michaele Salahi,

So, uhm, thanks for sending me your souls. I guess. But sorry we were still unable to accommodate you at the wedding.

I remain, still, even after your fourteenth attempt at contact,

-Chelsea "state party veteran" Clinton

cc: Secret Service, "Real Housewives" producers, the sixteenth minute licensing board

***

Dear Ken Starr,

Thank you for the jar of mud. Though considering how much you have already thrown my family's way, I think it would be gauche to keep it. I'm sure you will understand.

Regards,

-The ingenue of your morality play

Enclosure: One jar of unopened mud.

***

Dear Jenna Bush Hager,

I sincerely appreciate the subscription to Better Homes and Rose Gardens. Although I do have to disagree with last month's seemingly excessive advice regarding Fathers Day gifts. I mean, giving them a bush both when they arrive and when they depart? It just doesn't make sense.

Oh well.

Yours in solarium bannister sores,

FDOTUS '93-'01

***

Dear Mom and Dad,

Your relationship has often been called "complicated." Raising me is the one thing people from both parties can agree that you did right.

SO. GLAD. WE. DIDN'T. MUCK. THAT. UP!

Dad: Thank you for honoring the "no sax during the first dance" policy. Actually, come think of it, pops: Thank you for not having anything that even sounded like "sax" anywhere on site!!

Mom: I told you a pantsuit wouldn't work, not even the fanciest one. So thanks for wearing a dress, mom. Forget Michelle Obama arms: It was time to reintroduce America to Hillary Bodice Cleavage!

But in all sincerity: I love you both so dearly, and thank you so much for shielding me from this crazy cast of characters that you've cast in this Baby Boomer Fairy Tale. Sure, you've both been slammed mercilessly. But when you put an "I" into the mix, marred becomes married.

Love always,

- Lil' C (big D)