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'I didn't go to Yale'

by Jeremy Hooper

TO: Campaign O'Donnell

FROM: Truthful Productions Inc.

Subject: The candidate's second commercial spot

Hey team! Not too sure I agree with the cuts you made to my last script. But nevertheless, I'm excited you asked me to take a shot at another project.

Attached you will find a draft of the next ad copy, which I think would really work for Christine. Since you cut so many of my factual revelations last time, I figured that this second spot is where you all are planning to bear out more of Ms. O'Donnell's record. So that's what I did once again: I took a look at her tangible record and crafted a script from what jumped out at me, based on both how prominent Ms. O'Donnell's past involvement, as well as the potential real world impact that certain words and actions could have on Delaware voters. As I said last time: I know Ms. O'Donnell would like to run on her actual record rather than against silly asides about being a witch, a mid-'90s MTV appearances, her views on self-gratification, or the comment about loving meat too much to be a Buddhist. So again, this seems to be along the lines of what she wants. Hopefully this time you'll have the confidence to let the candidate take credit for her demonstrable work.

(*Note: I've again included links to archived information, lest the candidate forget any of it)

CHRISTINE (to camera): "I didn't go to Yale. But I do have a demonstrable track record that should make LGBT people raise an eyebrow, if not yell.

I didn't inherit millions like my opponent. Which is why I took employment trying
to "change" people like Wade Richards, leading "Confronting False Sexual identities" seminars at conferences that also featured the soft soul stylings of one Jerry Falwell, and directing "the sexually broken" to resources like NARTH and a "Homosexuality: Fact and Fiction" document, the latter of which makes the case for homosexuality being a "pathological disorder" by using "research" from figures like Paul Cameron.

I'm you. Right? Because you also used to spearhead a group that "
exists to turn people away from those practices which conflict with a lifestyle of chastity, including: abortion, pornography, pedophilia, homosexuality, premarital sex, adultery, eating disorders, and drugs" -- yes?

I know how tough it is to make and keep a dollar. Trust me, I used to run an organization that
dedicated large swaths of resources to "changing" gay people -- you don't get an employment task much tougher than keeping up that anti-scientific charade!

When some tried to push me from this race, they saw what I was made of. So did all of the gay activists who started digging through my
inarguable archives, where my hostility for what I see as a "lifestyle" is pretty obvious. And so will the Senate, if they try to increase our taxes one more dime, or pass any bills that better the "lifestyle" that I once compared to eating disorders, drugs, and pedophilia.

I'm Christine O'Donnell and I approve this message. I'm you -- that is, if you also
once invoked Adolph Hitler to suggest that progressives have redefined "gay" to mean joyful and gleeful, before then moving on to say that "when we say that Ellen [Degeneres] is gay, we're certainly not talking about her emotional well-being."

I nailed this one, right? Can't wait to hear your notes!!!


The Nonexistent Producer Who Exists in Jeremy's Overactive Imagination


TO: Truthful Productions Inc.

FROM: Campaign O'Donnell

cc: Master Bates, Beetha Meet, Abra Cadabra, Bill Maher's estranged cousin with the possibly good dirt on him, S. Palin

Subject: RE: The candidate's first commercial spot

We do see your point about candidates having the fortitude to acknowledge what they actually said, did, and worked towards in a professional capacity, since these are the kinds of things that voters should, in a perfect world, have the right to know. But you know how politics is in this current age of TEA. It's much easier to act like all of this stuff, even if fully verified by actual data, is all some sort of a liberal, socialist, MSNBC-driven smear job. So on that note : We were forced to again make some edits to your script. Have a look:

With apologies,

- I remain Christine O'Donnell, apparently, since she's sticking with that "I'm you" ad copy that implies she is the embodiment of every United States citizen


*EARLIER e-exchange: 'I'm nothing you've heard' [G-A-Y]

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