Audio: Marriage would make North Carolina 'more filthy'

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09/01/2011

by Jeremy Hooper

Rev. Ron Baity, leading proponent of North Carolina's civil marriage ban, on why his state needs to pass an amendment:

*SOURCE: 8/31/11 [Janet Parshall]

Ya know, my friend Pam Spaulding is a married North Carolinian. Just last month, I had brunch with Pam and her wife Kate. And it's weird, never once did I feel that either were in need of a bath, vacuuming, or any other method one might use to de-filth a human and/or a marriage. In fact, it was one of the healthiest, most bicker-free brunch dates I've had with another couple in quite some time. The morning was immensely pleasant, just like my huevos ranchero plate pre-meal; clean, just like that same plate by meal's end.

So I guess what I'm now saying to Pam: Next time please forewarn me of what I now know to be your marriage's stealth filth, so that I might inoculate myself from the apparently horrid North Carolina Same-Sex Marriage Virus in advance of your visit! Now that Rev. Baity has revealed your dirty secret, the ruse is up, Spaulding. You may have thought you were sneaky trying to spread your Tar Heel cooties up here to NY, but your local "marriage protector" has lifted the veil off the filthy truth. I get it now: North Carolina's gay couplings are innately dirty, and the only way to put a de facto Swiffer pad to those filthy unions is to write discrimination into the state's precious governing document. It makes sooooooo much sense, right?

Or -- or, or, or, or -- the reverend's "filth" claims might just be wacky, offensive, church/state-mudding, dehumanizing, hostile, and downright cruel. I promise to investigate the matter further. Though in the meantime, I should probably invest in a Hazmat suit before heading now for the Democratic convention. Or at the very least, cover my own wedding ring with some sort of radioactive foam.